I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
