Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
