i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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