Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i was born a porn star she said
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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