I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
