Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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