I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
