he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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