Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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