Jerry, you need to find god
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
