No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
