people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
