Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize