You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
These tits shall not be calmed
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
