I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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