Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
