apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
