that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
