I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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