I just threw up on my dentist
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
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How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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