The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
