just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
