Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
