I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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