I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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