So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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