Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
