My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Randomize
