My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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