gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
