Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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