Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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