I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
