I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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