I need help removing her.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
