I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
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