nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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