sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
