She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
