The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
from now on my penis is your penis
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
