I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
