you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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