all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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