I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
