Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
