Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize