he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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