i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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