I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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