I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Houston, we have a blender
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
