When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
