Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
