I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
