I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
