I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
