Jerry, you need to find god
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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