wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
