I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
