The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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