how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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