dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
