You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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